Baby Steps

I haven't been doing as great as I should have been. But I also know that I'm not the type of person that can make huge changes on my own (unless I was on The Biggest Loser.. Competing for money makes all the difference.) I had bought a huge canister of oatmeal at the store awhile back for some cookies for the kids, and it was B1G1 Free. So yesterday, I made a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. I added some pecans and sugar free syrup, and while it wasn't the best thing I've ever had, it wasn't that bad. I had another bowl today. And you know what, oatmeal really is as good as they say it is about filling you up. I didn't snack nearly as much as I usually do yesterday, and I haven't today either.

I know I need to make some other changes (especially when it comes to exercising) but I'm just not... No, I'm not doing that. I'm not going to make any more excuses. I need to do this. I'm going to start walking an additional 30 minutes every day. I walk about 15 minutes on weekdays now, taking my son to the bus, but starting tomorrow I'm going to take a 30 minute walk each day.

I've been fat all of my life, but I won't be fat for the rest of my life.

A Wake Up Call

We moved to Northern California from Louisiana at the beginning of this year. The difference is huge. Health is a big thing here. There are Co-Ops and organic food stores and lots of outdoor activities. Biking is a big thing here. There are so many people who get around on bikes! There are bike lanes on every road and even on the freeway. There were barely even any sidewalks where I used to live! I haven't ridden a bike since I was 12. So crazy different, and it makes me feel even worse about myself.

My real wake up call that I need to do something came yesterday. I'd been tossing the idea of starting to work out around. My daughter started preschool 3 mornings a week and my son is in school, so we have a few hours alone some mornings. I told my boyfriend I wanted to go for a walk, so yesterday we found a trail and went for it. I was wearing my Skechers Shapeups and after just a little while my legs were burning. Old people were passing us left and right. I kept thinking "How in the hell are their legs moving so fast?" I was sweating and hurting and then... We got to a sign that showed how much further other trails were and I looked to see how far it was back to where we started from. .75 miles. 3/4ths of a mile. I HADN'T EVEN WALKED A WHOLE MILE AND I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING TO FALL OUT. I'm only 25 years old!!!! That's when I realized that this is not okay. I should be able to walk a mile without breaking a sweat. I should be able to run around and chase my kids, and play with them on the playground. I shouldn't be moving aside to let an 80 year old man pass me on a trail.

So I'm awake, I see this. And I'm ready to change it.

I ended up walking 2.3 miles yesterday and then later I did 15 minutes of yoga. Baby steps.... But I'm gonna make it.

Fat Girl 4 Life

I've always been "big for my age." When I played softball, my picture trading cards said I was 5'0" and 102 lbs. I really weighed 109. It was the first of many times I would lie about my weight on paper. I was 9 years old. I developed faster than most of the girls my age. In 6th grade I was almost as tall as the teacher and wearing a C cup. In junior high I had fat rolls hanging over my pants. And I will never forget the time a boy pointed it out on the school bus. I was wearing one of my favorite shirts and he made a comment about how it would look better if my fat wasn't hanging out. A more popular girl came to my rescue (and drew attention to the situation in the process) and told him to leave me alone, and looked at me with more pity than I had ever seen someone have for another at that point in my life. I hated her for that look, with her perfect makeup and her perfect hair and her perfect outfit. And yes, I did feel a slight twinge of triumph when I ran into her 10 years later and found out she was doing meth. Apparently she's not quite so perfect anymore. A close guy friend of mine nicknamed me "Fatty" around the same time. He actually signed my yearbook to me like that. Thanks Mark, I bet you don't remember it but I do!

When I got my learner's permit I weighed around 180 but put 135 on the application. It stayed like that on my license for years, until I finally changed it to 200 so it wouldn't look so obvious it was a lie.

I've always hated being fat, yet I've never done anything about it for some reason. I'm not sure why, other than I'm lazy and I've never had a real, concrete reason to do anything about it. My health has never been a problem, I don't have high blood pressure. I delivered 2 healthy babies with no complications. Anything where weight would be an issue, I just convince myself it's not that important. Take weight limits on rides for example. I love amusement parks and fairs and rollercoasters. I haven't ridden one in years because I'm scared I won't be able to close the bar and come on, how embarrassing would that be? The last time I went to Six Flags in 2007 we were in line for a rollercoaster and saw a man have to get out of his seat and move to the special "fat seat" to ride. I was freaking out inside, hoping like hell I could suck in enough to close the bar on the regular seat. "Please don't make me sit in the fat seat, please don't make me sit in the fat seat..." Fortunately I fit in the regular seat. But now that I think I'm probably fatter than I was then, I just don't even bother with rides. I tell myself I'm too old to ride them or that I don't care about them. In reality I would love to ride them again.

I'm so tired of being fat... And I think I'm finally ready to do something about it.