I've always been "big for my age." When I played softball, my picture trading cards said I was 5'0" and 102 lbs. I really weighed 109. It was the first of many times I would lie about my weight on paper. I was 9 years old. I developed faster than most of the girls my age. In 6th grade I was almost as tall as the teacher and wearing a C cup. In junior high I had fat rolls hanging over my pants. And I will never forget the time a boy pointed it out on the school bus. I was wearing one of my favorite shirts and he made a comment about how it would look better if my fat wasn't hanging out. A more popular girl came to my rescue (and drew attention to the situation in the process) and told him to leave me alone, and looked at me with more pity than I had ever seen someone have for another at that point in my life. I hated her for that look, with her perfect makeup and her perfect hair and her perfect outfit. And yes, I did feel a slight twinge of triumph when I ran into her 10 years later and found out she was doing meth. Apparently she's not quite so perfect anymore. A close guy friend of mine nicknamed me "Fatty" around the same time. He actually signed my yearbook to me like that. Thanks Mark, I bet you don't remember it but I do!
When I got my learner's permit I weighed around 180 but put 135 on the application. It stayed like that on my license for years, until I finally changed it to 200 so it wouldn't look so obvious it was a lie.
I've always hated being fat, yet I've never done anything about it for some reason. I'm not sure why, other than I'm lazy and I've never had a real, concrete reason to do anything about it. My health has never been a problem, I don't have high blood pressure. I delivered 2 healthy babies with no complications. Anything where weight would be an issue, I just convince myself it's not that important. Take weight limits on rides for example. I love amusement parks and fairs and rollercoasters. I haven't ridden one in years because I'm scared I won't be able to close the bar and come on, how embarrassing would that be? The last time I went to Six Flags in 2007 we were in line for a rollercoaster and saw a man have to get out of his seat and move to the special "fat seat" to ride. I was freaking out inside, hoping like hell I could suck in enough to close the bar on the regular seat. "Please don't make me sit in the fat seat, please don't make me sit in the fat seat..." Fortunately I fit in the regular seat. But now that I think I'm probably fatter than I was then, I just don't even bother with rides. I tell myself I'm too old to ride them or that I don't care about them. In reality I would love to ride them again.
I'm so tired of being fat... And I think I'm finally ready to do something about it.
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